BLODGETT — The holidays are nothing without tradition. This is the seventh or eighth time I’ve instructed you about the season. Hang in.

Within the past decade, several new diseases and disorders have been discovered. Seasonal Affective Disorder Syndrome (SADS) has been shown to cause depression, sleepiness and excessive ingestion of chocolate. CLODS — Comfort Loving Obese Duds Syndrome — is now estimated to be latent if not blatant in nearly half the adult population. Still reeling, we must face yet another acronym.

Expect screaming headlines in the popular press, just in time for the holidays on avoiding CRAMS — Christmas Rage and Madness Syndrome. It will be noted that symptoms include, but are not limited to, grown people weeping on street corners while muttering that they would really like to CRAM the holidays.

Avoidance of this condition is not consistent with tradition, diverting us as it does from the real meanings of the season: mindless buying and relationship torment.

I courageously offer the following save-the-country- through-consumerism formula. I do this because I believe in the American way and because I am just an old softie at heart.

1. Never prepare ahead of time for gift giving, fancy meals and parties. What is the season without desperation?

2. Overdo. This, too, seems obvious. What are the holidays without a head cold?

3. Invite into your home the people with whom you have the most bitter unfinished business. Give up your bed. Smile constantly. Say nothing when your mother cleans your kitchen, sighing deeply. She means well. Prepare everyone’s favorite treat — however grotesque. Eat aspirin.

4. Consume as many sweets, particularly candies, as you can. After all, the holidays only last 30 to 45 days. Don’t forget that all bets on sobriety are off for the season. Assuming your cholesterol count has fallen dangerously close to normal as a result a year’s devotion to health, eat gravy!

5. Subtly let your family know how disappointed you’ve been year after year with their multiple failings. Be sure they know of your sacrifices. Practice Guilt Induction (GI) on the children, letting them know you are giving up your coronary bypass to get them glitzy New-Bleeping-Nothings.

6. Start every day in December by recalling all previous holiday disappointments and disasters. Catalogue your grievances. Smiling reveals an out-of-touch personality disorder.

7. If you are in crisis (married, divorced, have children, are over or under weight, et al.) refuse all invitations and offers of companionship. Suffer alone. Eat cold beans from the can. Keep in mind that you are the only one who feels this way. Snivel.

10. Women: Refuse all help with holiday meals. Make dozens of tiny, fussy ornaments late at night when everyone else is cozily sound asleep in his warm bed. Get glue in your hair.

Men: Make certain to record every one of the 38 bowl games. Don’t miss Shearson Lehman Hutton vs. USF&G at the Porcelain Bowl. If your kids need help, remind them that is what commercial breaks and half-time are for. Drink a 12-pack of Old Owl Micturation — OOM — Beer. This makes you much more fun to be around.

11. Plan to wind up the year hung over, broke and lonesome. Avoid any thought of the meaning of life, unless you are certain you can maintain a bleak view. Share your darkness with others.

12. Stop all stress-reduction activities. At any stirrings of sentiment, be sure to howl out “Bah! Humbug!” Deny any hope for peace on earth to men and women of goodwill.

Or, you could change your view starting Dec. 3, Sunday, from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m., by attending Summit’s Old-time Holiday Fair, featuring music, hot cider and delightful items created by colorful locals. I’ll be there with books, graphics and storytelling.

Take Highway 20 west to Blodgett, turn on the Summit Highway, go 5 miles to the Grange and you’re in another world. A happy one.

Peg Elliott Mayo is a mentor and author. She welcomes comment at uncommonideas@rivervoices.com; or P.O. Box 542, Blodgett, OR 97326; or 456-2282. Her Web site is www.rivervoices.com and blog is http://pegelliottmayo.blogspot.com.