Your guide to wrestling the rabid badger that is New Year’s Eve

This just isn’t the year for holidays. First, Halloween fell on a Wednesday. Then, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day popped up on a Monday and Tuesday.

Sure, this is great for a three-day weekend for most of you, but I have to put out The Entertainer on Tuesday and Wednesday, come rain, sleet, snow or turkey coma.

As if it weren’t enough to ruin one of my two favorite holidays, the great clockmaker in the sky now offers up the ultimate affront: New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day on a Monday and Tuesday.

Could it be worse? Sure, New Year’s Eve could be on Tuesday, and I could face the choice between missing the greatest party of the year or finding another job. Still, isn’t the whole point of New Year’s Day to give your body a chance to recover from the Spanish Inquisition you put it through the night before?

You’ve seen or read “The Da Vinci Code,” right? My entire body pretty much resemble’s the albino monk’s back the next day. Now I’ve got to walk through the doors of the newspaper and explain to my coworkers how, exactly, it’s possible to get struck by lightning, eat an entire llama, take part in an international diamond heist and learn the ancient Japanese art of badger wrangling without remembering a single specific detail of any of those endeavors.

Woe is TenPas. But enough about me. You’ve got a New Year’s Eve to plan, and unlike me, unless you work at a movie theater, you’ve probably got a 24-hour period of solid coffin rest to recover from your own personal “Choose Your Own Adventure” book. Just remember, no matter what you’re on, you’re not actually Wolverine. Your bones are not made of adamantium, and they will not be able to heal themselves.

Also, despite advances in laser surgery techniques, tattoos are still basically permanent.

With that in mind, I offer my list of suggested New Year’s Eve activities for the culturally adventurous/common-sense deprived. While some other lists offer you only one day’s worth of suggestions, I’ll assume that at least a few of you out there are in my shoes. You want to know what you might get into this weekend to alleviate any feelings of missing out that might strike while at work Monday or Tuesday.

I’m only too happy to oblige:

Friday, Dec. 28

Back in town from wherever he’s currently moving from guitar demi-god to full-on deity, The Stack’s Alex Pfender stops in at The Beanery in Corvallis at 8 p.m. Friday night. Local turntablist DJ Nickeli will work his mojo at Cloud 9, while Gumbo creates creole voodoo at the newly opened WineStyles in the Timberhill Shopping Center at 8 p.m.

The place to be, however, is Sahalie Wine Cellars, where Walk the Plank — one of Corvallis’ two best bands right now, along with Top Dead Center — kicks off New Year’s Eve weekend with one of its bionic body-meets-brain blasts at 9 p.m. If you still haven’t checked them out, stop being puzzled by the silly, swashbuckling name, and see for yourself that when they say Walk the Plank, it’s more a statement of philosophy than a love of Roman Polanski’s “Pirates.” Jazz hasn’t been simultaneously this visceral and yet also out on a limb since 1975.

Saturday, Dec. 29

The band Norman’s been scarce as of late, but just in time for the holidays, it re-emerges with its catchy hybrid of accessible rock riffs, inside-joke lyrics and arty arrangements that tell as much story as singer Eric Nordby’s words. Bombs Away hosts Norman at 9 p.m.

Elsewhere locally, Wild Hog in the Woods brings bluegrass to Big River, Salem singer-songwriting duo LeNUNES lifts Boccherini’s spirits with low-key pop, and Gumbo travels across the river for a stop at Albany’s new hot spot, Calapooia Brewing Co.

If you happen to be in Portland, Doug Fir Lounge is hosting a night of local rock, pop and singer-songwriter acts, which includes up-and-comer Leigh Marble, whose latest album “Red Tornado” is as much bad-ass beats and riffs as it is the introspective reflections and snapshots of society one might expect from such a wordsmith. Also, Garaj Mahal tunes up Eugene’s WOW Hall with its surprisingly palatable jam rock.

Monday, Dec. 31

If you’re staying in Albany for New Year’s Eve, your options are actually a bit better than they’ve been in years past. Of course, any options would be better than the sucking vacuum that has been Albany on New Year’s Eve in years past. If you’re just looking for a good, old-fashioned bar filled with stiff drinks and classic rock, head down to Bogey’s Bar & Grill at 9 p.m. for a performance by The Kronicales. Meanwhile, if getting your groove on to something a bit more modern is your thing, Dole Beats and Calapooia Brewing Co. can help you out starting at 8 p.m. Out in Tangent, the Dixie Creek Saloon will host karaoke for all those who would rather be heard than make the scene.

Corvallis residents, or those who drive over from Albany, have more options than a cannibalistic plane crash survivor on a charter flight from a fat camp. The greatest cover band in the valley, The El Kabong Orchestra, gets all gruff on the blues’ clean modern ass at Bombs Away Cafe starting at 9:30 p.m. Given the collection of jokers that weave in and out of the band’s lineup, including Mark “Mott” Simpson, Mark France, Andy Baugh, Dave Plaehn and more, you’re bound to find something to like in its mishmash of raunchy solos and tasty song selections. Meanwhile, downtown Corvallis will be anchored by the 1-2 punch of Iovino’s and Cloud 9, which will feature the goofy, spacy and infinitely danceable funk of The Southtown Hounds and the surf and ska of Arizona band Sotomayoric Acid, respectively. Or, you could go to the Peacock and party with Patches, who puts on the best karaoke show around.

Of course, if you’re like me, you want to get the heck out of Dodge on New Year’s, which pretty much means either Eugene or Portland for those of us who don’t want to splurge on a plane ticket, especially if it’s connecting with a flight from a fat camp.

Unfortunately, Portland fell down on the job this year, and really isn’t offering much of interest for the adventurous among us. You could try to get tickets to Pink Martini at the Schnitz, but good luck with that. Or you could go to Berbati’s and listen to two DJs battle between Prince and Michael Jackson. Yawn. On a more positive note, Cracker and Camper Van Beethoven take the skinheads bowling at the Doug Fir, and Wu-Tang Clan stalks the stage at the Roseland.

Fortunately, Eugene is making up for Portland’s preponderance of pap with its own tittillating trilogy of hot shows. Eleven Eyes rips into Luckey’s with fellow groove merchants Disco Organica at 9:30 p.m., while just blocks away, Pink Floyd cover band the Floydian Slips take the McDonald Theater into interstellar overdrive.

Even better, Portland junkyard dogs Hillstomp take the meaning of garage rock to a whole other level with their stripped-down take on Delta blues starting at 9 p.m. at John Henry’s. With low-fi guitar, a drum kit straight out of the credits to “Fat Albert” and a reputation for shaking up a room like a beaker full of nitro, this might just be the best destination in the whole of the Willamette Valley.

Jake TenPas can be reached at jake.tenpas@lee.net or 758-9514.