LOS ANGELES — Random thoughts while watching the hillsides turn green — finally:

• 2008 sure has been a long year.

• Steve Martin’s new book will give you happy feet.

• Las Vegas is becoming our Amsterdam.

• Seriously, does the U.S. really need two Dakotas?

• Reminder to newlyweds: “Bliss” is the root of “blister.”

• With my kids, Aesop would have had 300 more fables.

• “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.” — Samuel Butler

• My first act as president of the United States: Eliminate those subscription cards that fall out of magazines.

• Second act: Deport Oprah.

• Third act: Consolidate the Dakotas.

• To me, Emeril always looks a little lagassy. Maybe it’s something he ate.

• If it wasn’t for James Bond movies, I would have had no sex education at all.

• How do you like the new Infiniti FX35RxL321&%$#@# @%**%$#@!*) +&? I much prefer the Lexus LS600hLRR*(%$#%-$#%8 *88$$%$#@$##$.

• Yep, it was a lot easier when cars had real names.

• “Alvin and the Chipmunks” is rated PG? Really? Does Alvin hook up with a sexy squirrel or what?

• “Isn’t there any other part of the matzo you can eat?” — Marilyn Monroe on being repeatedly served matzo ball soup

• If football is going to allow those long replay challenges, it should eliminate all regular timeouts.

• How much would Dick Butkus have loved to play against guys with hair hanging out of their helmets?

• Look-alikes: Reba McEntire and Bryce Howard.

• I keep forgetting, what nation does Queen Latifah rule?

• Never underestimate the power of positive drinking. Because negative drinking gets you nowhere.

• Maybe all hockey games ought to be played outside. I know all football should.

• The critics are correct: Iowa and New Hampshire don’t represent the rest of the country. Their residents are far more literate, better on issues and prouder to participate.

• Who would you rather trust to determine our political future? Florida?

• Honestly, I’m a little surprised we don’t have two Missouris.

• “There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.” — W. Somerset Maugham

• Trust me, L.A. really values the written word; in particular, “This note is legal tender. ...”

• What I would give right now for a decent bowl of French onion soup.

• What I would give right now for just one Dakota.

• Lookalikes: Chris Matthews and Dave Madden, the guy who played the Partridge family’s manager.

• OK, how much longer do we have before Emeril Lagasse just explodes?

• Tick, tick, tick ...

• “My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside.” — Roseanne Barr

• If Christina Applegate has amnesia, how does she remember to do her show each week?

• You know you’re in L.A. when you drive for three hours at night and never need your brights.

• True confession: I’ve watched “Hannah Montana.”

• True confession II: I would do it again.

• Tell me, why isn’t that show on ABC?

• Lincoln had the Civil War. I’ll have the Dakotas.

• Best advice ever: Never give a hammer to a 5-year-old. Ouch.

• Best response to “tell me a little about yourself”: “Well, I was born to circus clowns on the outskirts of Biloxi. ...”

• Latest sign that baby boomers are aging: You now see more pharmaceutical commercials than car ads.

• The first bite of a burger is the culinary equivalent of a first kiss.

• And they both come with onions.

• The only way I’ll lose 5 pounds this month is to lop off a leg.

• “He who laughs, lasts.” — Mary Pettibone Poole

• Remember, only 349 shopping days till Christmas.

• Tick, tick, tick ...

Contact Chris Erskine at Chris.Erskine@latimes.com