By Pat Wray
Columnist | Posted: Friday, February 16, 2007 12:00 am
Many magazines and books are devoted to parenthood, but few, if any, concern themselves with grandparenthood. Please consider this a first chapter from the may-someday-be published handbook from the Pat Wray School of Grandfatherhood.
Enrich your grandchildren's lives with music; sing with them at every opportunity. I recommend two American favorites, "What Do You Do with a Drunken Sailor" and "Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road." These enchanting ditties have the added benefit of teaching youngsters about the sea and wildlife.
Encourage competition; you should thumb wrestle whenever thumbs are available.
Take the grandkids on adventures. An adventure is defined as anything you and the grandkids get to do without other, overly responsible adults. To the maximum extent possible, adventures should be unplanned, unexpected and unprepared for.
The very best adventures begin with the words, "Whoa! That looks cool. Let's go try it!" Spontaneity is critical.
Yes, I suppose some adventures require planning and reservations and things like that. They are OK, too.
Play "ditch the grandkids" whenever possible. When you take the kids to the store, attempt to lose them by running and changing direction fast through the aisles. There is something positively hilarious about running through a store with laughing munchkins behind you. If you can duck behind a pillar and lose them for a few seconds it's even more fun.
Author's Note: This activity is a lot less fun if the grandkids decide to run and hide from you. It's amazing how quickly your sense of humor collapses when you can't find the grandkids for a minute or two.
Teach your grandkids to shoot. Always keep a BB gun at your house and let the kids shoot whenever they visit. Even if no other adult in their lives hunts or shoots, children should learn how to be safe around a firearm. The principles of safety you teach them may save their lives some day if they are ever around guns in an unsupervised situation. Besides, almost nothing is as much fun to a kid as putting holes in a paper plate.
Embrace poop. Be the one to change every diaper, wet or dirty, but especially dirty. This will not only take some pressure off your own kid and spouse, but will establish you as the go-to guy in an important and regularly occurring situation. After a while, you'll begin to hear those fulfilling words, "Oh, yuck, Cameron. Go tell Papa you need a new diaper."
Diaper changing is a perfectly appropriate time to sing "Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road."
Another author's note: Kids in diapers shouldn't shoot BB guns; diapers throw off a shooter's balance.
Be a disciplinarian. Develop your own brand of punishment and don't be afraid to administer it. I bring the hammer down by "fixing faces," which is a vigorous kneading of facial skin to remove frowns and replace them with smiles. Face fixing requires speed (to catch the munchkins because they will surely run), strength (to hold them down and manipulate their faces) and persistence because once you fix a few faces, you will have many requests to do more.
"Papa, Brendan is pouting. He needs his face fixed." After a while the mere threat of face fixing will result in smiles and laughter.
Use this punishment quickly and aggressively whenever your grandchildren say the words "like" or "whatever." In the event they use both in one sentence you should consider nibbling on ears, as well. This linguistic disease has already damaged an entire generation. We must protect the next one.
Emphasize astronomy. The very best way to do so is to howl at the moon with your grandchildren. This will encourage interest in the heavens. Soon you will all be howling at Jupiter and the North Star, as well.
Upcoming chapters will explain why grandfathers should help their grandkids catch their first fish and pull their baby teeth … and why it's necessary to wash your hands in between.
Pat Wray is a freelance writer and long-time local resident. His general interest columns can be found in this section on alternating Fridays. He can be reached at patwray@comcast.net.