Posted: Sunday, November 5, 2006 12:00 am
Outdoors humpr
By Pat Wray
Special to the Corvallis Gazette-Times
Here in the western states we have an uneasy relationship with our fish and wildlife biologists, both state and federal. We like it when the regulations they create allow us to hunt and fish a lot - provided there are plenty of game animals and fish to be taken. If there are not as many as we want, we blame them for allowing too much hunting and fishing.
In short, the relationship of western fish and wildlife biologists to their constituents is roughly the same as a young boy's relationship with a 13-year-old, emotion-addled girl, who thinks she is in love with him and is going to punish him until he loves her, too.
It's time to celebrate everything our biologists have done for us. I've got it! Let's have a barbecue, or rather lots of barbecues, throughout the western states on one special day next summer … say, Sunday, July 29, 2007.
We should serve food emphasizing the exceptional job our fish and wildlife biologists have done in protecting and enhancing our native resources. We could serve venison - no wait, mule deer populations are down everywhere. Elk populations are low as well. Ducks and geese are undependable. Salmon and steelhead are way down, as are halibut, tuna and every kind of rockfish. Pronghorns are fair in some areas but very low in others. I guess none of our native critters are numerous enough for our purposes. We'll just barbecue the critters that have made the largest population gains under our biologists' watch.
We'll start with bullfrogs and starlings! No one can take away the magical success biologists have achieved with bullfrogs and starlings. Those critters now number in the millions in the western states and just a few decades ago, we didn't have any. Is that success, or what?
We must first check our states' regulations regarding harvest of starlings and bullfrogs. If the limits are too stringent, we can petition our fish and wildlife agencies for a two-day relaxation of the regulations on July 28 and 29. Then everyone can head out and shoot starlings during the day on Saturday and gig bullfrogs Saturday night.
This plan provides a wonderful opportunity for you young guys to take to the woods with your sweethearts. Try this: "LaVonda and I won't be back until 3 or 4 a.m. tomorrow, Mrs. Walker. We've got to shoot starlings and gig bullfrogs."
If necessary, take another tack. Explain to her parents that bullfrogs kill thousands of snakes, lizards, and baby birds and turtles. Starlings are also causing declines in multiple native bird species, as well as doing millions of dollars of damage annually to crops.
If neither of those arguments work, you've got time to find a new girlfriend.
Let's talk about appetizers. Frog legs are wonderful. Starlings are less well known but have a lot of potential; after all, a renowned chef recently gave starlings high culinary marks. "Starlings," he said, "are not poisonous."
We need a soup. How about carp chowder? It's healthy, filling and contains an invasive, destructive fish that has thrived under recent fish management regimes. Carp chowder, a perfect second course.
For the main course we need bigger critters that have radically increased their numbers in modern times. How about opossums and nutria? Neither one is native, yet both have experienced massive population growth in the last several decades. There should be plenty to fill all our bellies. Bullfrog hunters will also be able to collect a bunch of nutria, and we can get all the opossums we want by driving the roads with a shovel. These will have the added benefit of being pre-tenderized.
For salad we can use a base of yellow starthistle and Scotch broom, topped with slivers of salt cedar and cheatgrass seeds. All four are aggressive, highly invasive species that are taking over hundreds of thousands of acres of stream banks, pastures and rangeland. We should invite our range managers as well.
So there we have it, a plan to celebrate the hard work and many successes of our fish and wildlife biologists. I know they'll appreciate it.
And looking ahead to 2008, maybe we can do something creative with zebra mussels, Asian clams and feral cats. A surf and turf delicacy.
Pat Wray shares humorous tales of the outdoors and can be reached at patwray@comcast.net.