How to kill two birds with one boomerang

If you are a typical American like me, you probably have never taken the boomerang seriously. It is just an Australian curiosity, a thing that mystifies with its bizarre elliptical physics.

But if you are struggling with food and are, like me, unstudied in the ways of hunting and/or gathering, the boomerang may be your best bet to get meat. Because boomerangs aren’t just toys, you guys. They’re weapons.

You’re probably thinking of the little perpendicular novelty that comes back to you when you throw it. But there are two kinds of boomerangs: returning and non-returning. For hunting, you use the latter.

Traditional non-returning boomerangs were around 3 feet long and shaped sort of like a hockey stick, one end heavier and more curved than the other, which served as the handle. When thrown, they travel in a straight line.

Hunting with such a contraption is simple. You chuck it into a flock of birds in flight; the stick spins around and takes out a bird or three, and voila — Thanksgiving dinner!

On morning runs, I often see sizable gaggles of geese huddling in a big field a few blocks from my house. (I’m not sure what the field is for, as there are no herds of animals residing or agricultural endeavors happening there; but there are several large “NO TRESPASSING” signs posted around the expanse of land. This leads me to believe there is secret government activity, possibly underground, happening while we sleep. Why government activity, you ask? Well, there are no crop circles, so it can’t be aliens.) These geese could no doubt be easily scared into the sky, and I could boomerang a few.

However, I did not attempt to slay these geese, nor any others, because:

1. I don’t actually want to kill any birds. Partially because I don’t know how to pluck or prepare or cook them, so it would be needless slaughter. And partially because I don’t want PETA staking out the Democrat-Herald newsroom and flinging fake blood at me.

2. Even if, ethical apprehensions and sense of self-preservation aside, I did kill a mystery field goose, I could not retrieve it. Remember, “NO TRESPASSING.”

3. I don’t have a boomerang, non-returning or otherwise.

But I’m not one to be held back by such petty obstacles. I brainstormed alternative ways to practice this hunting technique, sans boomerang and sans birds.

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The solution? Balloons, of course.

Helium-filled balloons are surely the most accurate substitutes for geese launching from the ground. Really, they probably accelerate into the sky faster than most birds, so if I can master hitting balloons, I’ll totally be set for doomsday goose hunting.

To practice, I took a bunch of balloons, pulled away the longboard weighing them down and hurled my “boomerang,” a.k.a. a wooden clothing rod I inadvertently looted from the closet in my old apartment, at the ascending latex “birds.”

The results were rather inexact, as the balloons did not pop or drop from the heavens, but during my three attempts, I definitely got two solid hits. For a novice boomeranger, I felt OK with my imaginary-bird count.

Another way to hunt fowl with a boomerang is to throw it into a bunch of resting birds, scaring them into nets you’ve arranged above them.

If you don’t have a boomerang handy when a food shortage occurs, you could carve one yourself, from wood, bone or tusk. Or you could throw a baseball bat, hammer or something similar. I suppose the clothing rod could work for actual hunting, if you weighted one end somehow, making it heavy enough to damage your prey.

And this chucking-a-stick-at-potential-food method isn’t earmarked for feathered creatures. It can also be used for killing kangaroos, emu, rabbits, possum and squirrels. I don’t know if it has been tried, but I assume this technique could be used with nutria, too. Because nothing is more appetizing than a pond-dwelling R.O.U.S.

For the apocalypse, you may also want to invest in a battle boomerang. Yes, that is real thing that exists outside “Crocodile Dundee” and Dungeons & Dragons. It’s like a club, used in hand-to-hand combat.

Really, this versatile tool is the only weapon you need. I’m surprised the Aussies haven’t taken over the whole world by the power of their boomerangs.

Maybe they still will. You know, in December.

Next week: The Australian apocalypse! Just kidding.


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