The official power rankings of 32 popular Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavors
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The official power rankings of 32 popular Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavors

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Ben & Jerry's ice cream, ranked.

How's everyone's first year of quarantine going? I've firmly moved into the "bargaining" zone of the Kübler-Ross five stages of grief: How many times will I eat pizza this week, three or four? Are showers on the table? Maybe. Would I pay someone $20 for a hug right now? Likely more. As you can see, in quarantine, absolutely anything is negotiable.

It is in that spirit that I bring you the infallible, completely factual and 100% correct Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Power Rankings. Yes, even our nation's most adored 420-loving capitalists must eventually fall under the tires of the Power Rankings cement truck. We're dealing with ice cream only for the purposes of these rankings, folks — nothing "lite," no fro-yo, and none of your fancy nut milks. You kids stay off my lawn!

I've ranked these by taste, of course, as well as a metric that honors the various states of incapacitation when we devour an entire pint at 2 a.m.: If this ice cream were a person, how stoned would it be? One more thing: Unlike most Power Rankings, where there are items that clearly fall into Good and Bad categories, nearly all of these ice creams were good. But they must, alas, be ranked — in that, there shall be no bargaining.

©2020 The San Diego Union-Tribune

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